Day 2

So far, no verifiable visitors... But it's been less than 48 hours, so I wasn't really expecting anything yet.

Contrary to the senseless nonsense promised (yes, I realize that I'm breaking my promise after only one post, but it's my blog, so I can do what I want to. After all, I POWER BLOGGER! I do. It says so on the left sidebar <--- Besides, nobody is going to see this anyways...), I'm going to get serious for a moment:

Have you ever been in a situation where you made a decision contrary to your personal wishes because you believed that it was the right thing to do? I should clarify that I don't mean that the desire is incorrect, unwise, or immoral -- only that you set aside a preference for something you would have really liked because you believed that the other option was best for another person or would please God. In any case, after you made that decision, did you feel good about it? You should feel good when you've made a morally correct and Godly decision, right? Because that's supposed to please God, right? After all, choosing the right thing is supposed to be a reward in and of itself according to some worldviews.

Quite frankly then, why don't I feel better for making the "right" choice?

Now I'm certain that there are many out there who don't share the same worldview, and therefore don't believe in the existence of a God, much less a good God. But let's set that aside from now, since there are too many reasons for me to explain at the moment why I have a deep-seated conviction regarding the existence of the God of the Bible (feel free to ask me later if you'd like), and arguments to the contrary don't really help my present dilemma. Besides, since I'm not writing this to any audience in particular, I am in essence writing this to question God Himself. Point being, I had a preference, set aside that preference because I believed that the other option was the one that would please You, God, the most. Yet I'm regretting that decision because now not only do I not get my preference, I'm not happier knowing the "right" thing happened. Don't I at least deserve the latter because I did it for the right reasons? (And don't respond by saying "we only deserve death" because, again, that is fruitless for solving the problem at hand).

So that begs the question, why can't I be happy about doing the right thing? And why can't I do the right thing and still get what I want? The logical answer is that I do not desire the right things, thus when I choose the right thing, I am not happy because the right thing is not what I really desired. But what if there was nothing inherently wrong with what I wanted, what I preferred. Can't I get something euphoric to reinforce the moral patterns in my thinking when I choose against my preferences in deference to another? Because, honestly, if sacrificing what I desire in order to do what's right means I can't be happy, then I'd rather not do what's right. I know I can make it happen; I know I have the ability to direct situations in my favor. I'm not saying this to brag, I just know that we can all make things happen like we want them to, provided we do not consider the "right" or the other people involved (and their preferences). So why choose the right thing at all? Why can't I be selfish when being unselfish doesn't benefit me either? The simple answer is that I still believe that God is in charge, and that to force my preferences is to set myself opposite to Him on the playing field. Given the odds of winning that game, I'm better off choosing the right thing. Sure, it's not the definition of "fear of God" mentioned in the Bible, but it does make sense to me. Also, one could argue that being unselfish means that I do things for the benefit of others, not myself, and to bring my benefit into the equation is actually being selfish. That would logically mean that whenever someone else is involved, I will never get my way -- you'll never find even one person who willingly fits this description. Even Christ had his own desires in mind when He was crucified -- to cleanse a people for His own possession. It just so happened that what He most desired happened to be what was best for us, not the other way around -- you'll never find even one Biblical theologian who would dispute that God makes decisions unilaterally based on His own desires first and foremost. He's God; that's His prerogative, and I do not challenge Him on that.

So that leaves me with nothing. Not happy, not having what I want, meanwhile still making it possible for everyone else to get what they want, only reinforcing in my mind the notion that God's love, just like every other human being's love, is indeed conditional.

This is not fair. If this is really all I can hope for, I don't want to play anymore.