The Pooj hears no evil.Rat Bastard Root Beer asserts that it “tastes like a son of a bitch.” Seeing as I’ve never licked a dog before, I can’t really say for sure what that’s supposed to taste like. I suppose if it tastes like root beer, maybe I should lick more puppies… At any rate, based on the random collection of somewhat off-color statements printed on the bottle, Rat Bastard seems poised as the anti-Jones. That is, whereas Jones may be the hipster of root beers, Rat Bastard is the punk/skater.
A quick glance at the ingredients, however, may belie more of a new-age hippie. The herb blend includes ginseng, jasmine, cloves, dong quai, skullcap, capsicum, kava kava, ginkgo biloba, gotu kola, goldenseal, echinacea, reishi, shiitake, and cordyceps. It’s like a whole herbalist shop poured into a root beer bottle... Dong quai is a mild sedative, and perhaps offsets Rat Bastard’s inclusion of caffeine, but is more commonly used in Chinese medicine to treat menstrual ailments, which kind of knocks holes that whole punk/skater façade. I mean, that’s about as punk rock as Manny Ramirez using female fertility supplements to mask his use of performance-enhancing drugs… Skullcap, also used in traditional Chinese medicine, is supposedly an immunity booster, but is smoked recreationally in other cultures. Kava kava has somewhat similar qualities to skullcap’s latter use, and is used as a social sedative by Pacific Islanders. Ginkgo biloba could potentially counteract those effects, as it is believed to enhance memory and prevent dementia. Gotu kola, also touted for similar benefits, can be eaten as a leafy green as they do in Sri Lanka, and legend has it that it even extends lifespan. Goldenseal, an anti-microbial, is said to cure cancer, so maybe it actually does increase life expectancy. Reishi, a type of mushroom, is said to have the same cancer-fighting properties as well. Cordyceps, finally, is also used in traditional Chinese medicine to fight cancer, which seems odd since it’s actually a parasitic fungus that invades a host insect, slowly taking over it and killing it in the process (!!!). The cordycep growth process aside, Rat Bastard Root Beer actually sounds healthy!
But alas, it has HFCS, so no self-respecting hippie would touch it… Aside from that, though, Rat Bastard is actually pretty good. The initial smell is heavy on the cloves, though the taste leans more towards molasses – just enough without being overpowering. I spy a little cola-ish flavor as well (possibly from the gotu kola? Assuming that gotu kola is any relation to the kola nut?), with a hint of ginseng (which is good that it’s only a hint, since straight up ginseng can be rather bitter), and a lingering heat in the aftertaste that may be coming from the capsicum. Even with the HFCS, it’s not too sweet. However, probably because it uses HFCS instead of sugar, the overall flavor and texture is a bit thin, which is too bad, really, because the flavors are actually quite complex otherwise.
I’m willing to bet that if Rat Bastard ever makes their root beer with real sugar, I’d give it a higher rating. For now, it gets a 3.5.
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