Thomas Kemper Purely Natural

The Pooj doesn’t want any part in this.

(Grassroots Market – South Pasadena, March 2011)

Seeing as I’ve already posted about IBC, Weinhard’s, and Stewart’s, you may have wondered,

"Why haven’t you posted about the last of the 4 bottled root beers easily available at the local grocer? You know, Thomas Kemper?”

But who am I kidding – you wouldn’t be asking because nobody is reading this drivel anyways…

Hypothetically speaking though, assuming anyone is reading, and assuming those hypothetical readers are asking the question above, here’s my not-so-hypothetical-and-somewhat-measured answer: I simply don’t like Thomas Kemper Root Beer. To be fair to Mr. Kemper, I haven’t had any of his root beer in recent memory. But to be fair to myself, I haven’t had any recently because I’ve had it several times in the past and I know I didn’t like it any of those times. I may yet dip into the Kemper keg once more for the sake of cataloging the experience in the interests of science (with a lowercase “s” as opposed to, you know, SCIENCE!), but I will wait until I’ve exhausted all other root beer resources in my little corner of the world until doing so. Still, that means I’m willing to give it a chance, right?

And so this is the story of how I came to acquire a bottle of Thomas Kemper Purely Natural Root Beer – proof positive that I am willing to give Tommy Boy a fair chance at making a good second impression (or fifth or sixth, as the case may be). There isn’t much of a story, actually; I just happened to walk into a local health food store I never noticed before while en route to my normal chain grocery store – that is, the store where normal Thomas Kemper sodas are available – and noticed this in the refrigerated soda display next to maybe a hundred different variations of bottled kombucha tea (ok, I exaggerate; maybe only 90 variations). I picked it up apprehensively, given my relationship history with Tom up to this point, paid my money to the nice lady behind the counter, and proceeded to conduct my commerce at the evil produce conglomerate next door. Um… end of story …

Moral of the story: fool me once… I am vindicated in my disdain of The Kemp’s root beers, because this is one of the worst root beers I’ve had in recent memory. Thomas Kemper Purely Natural Root Beer is thin and watery, with an only slightly root-y flavor – that’s the good news. Said slight root-y flavor is easily overwhelmed by the bitter sting that lingers on the back of the tongue. Honey is listed with the ingredients, which may account for some of the thickness in the texture, but the texture is hardly smooth and the honey flavor is non-existent – in fact, it tastes slightly salty. Drinking this is downright unpleasant to the point that I can’t finish it. According to the label, “Only Thomas Kemper could brew a handcrafted root beer so natural & delicious,” but this should really be revised to read, “Only Thomas Kemper could brew swill so awful and try to convince you that it’s root beer.”

Seriously, I think I liked TK better before he got all granola on us – which doesn’t even make sense since the “natural” ingredients aren’t even that different from the normal ingredients. That’s like telling me you’re adopting a healthier lifestyle when all you changed was the shampoo you use every morning. Kempy, I am disappoint. If I can’t even finish it, you get a 0.5.